Pre-divorce or Anti-divorce?
One of the questions we get is whether mediation ends in divorce. Often people come to us because they aren’t sure where the relationship they’re in is going, and can’t tell yet whether they’re destined to separate. Often parties are well educated enough to know that the divorce system gives certain advantages to the party that files first, and don’t want to get caught a step behind, but aren’t sure their marriage needs to end either.
This is actually a great time to try out a mediator with some relevant experience. To begin with, there are a lot of myths about how divorce works, and we find it’s a lot easier to resolve problems if you can at least start with a good view of the facts. A mediator who hasn’t worked in family law may have no idea why the first party to file gets an advantage, or what the TRO applies to, or how payments from one spouse to another to equalize the estate are actually accomplished. Financial and timing issues often matter a lot to the parties involved, and without getting to the facts about the process first, it can be difficult or impossible to get to an agreement the courts would even accept. Accordingly, we always recommend going with someone who has done relevant work in the field you’re in, and recently. The courts change rapidly and good advice from 10 years ago is often terrible advice now.
Second, if a relationship is going to be saved, both parties will have to make some kind of change, usually pretty significant changes. One of the big things we strive for in mediation of any kind is agreements that are realistic, and this is especially useful if two married people aren’t sure they want to stay married. A good mediator can help people find new ideas to try and can help sort through what might reasonably help this specific couple, rather than just running through some default options. Very frequently couples with kids want to maintain some kind of stability; a good mediator can explain some options like bird-nesting, in which the family home is shared between spouses, and can help come up with creative solutions so that the kids see both parents a healthy amount. A great mediator can find time in something like a parenting schedule for the parents to try different strategies with each other, too, to see if some of the good parts of a marriage can continue.
Last, and perhaps most obviously, as mediators we don’t make money off divorce. Certainly we take pride in saving people massive amounts of money in a divorce and we like to think we make the process a lot smoother, but fundamentally we get paid for mediating, and that happens when parties to any kind of dispute can talk to each other. One of the hard things about being a lawyer in family law is that you often make most of your money when disputes get worse, and the client is more willing to spend more money fighting their spouse; it’s easy to find stories of couples who spent so much time and money getting divorced neither party has much of anything at the end. An experienced mediator can help you find out what kind of agreement you need, and so we often say we’re not pro-divorce or anti-divorce; we’re pro-relationships. If you feel like you’re in a difficult spot and not sure where to go from here, consider giving us a try.
